I miss you so much already. I actually missed you the second after I realized you were really gone. I used to panic when I thought of your passing as I couldn't imagine life without you. From a selfish standpoint.............who was going to look out for me, stand up for me and think I was the greatest??!! But over these last few months I realized how selfish that was and I thought I had made peace with you going to heaven and with me taking care of myself 100%. But I was wrong. The perfectionist is coming out in me as I go over and over the details of your last few minutes and I wish I could have them back and dictate the event, of course I know this is a fantasy, but we do strange things when we are grieving.
If I could have that time back and dictate what would have happened here is how it would have went:
-You would have told me "it's time", instead of "I'm getting outa here", which was kinda cute, but at that exact moment I didn't know that you "literally" were.
-I would have had time to call family
-You wouldn't have struggled to breathe or turn blue, which of course scared me even though I had been told that by the hospice nurses.
-You wouldn't have gone so fast that I didn't have time to sit by you the ENTIRE 3 mins because I was frantically calling the hospice nurse, thank GOD Megan and Courtney were by your side as I was busy on the phone.
-I would have got to say to you in a final and formal way "Thank you for all you have done for me. Thank you for protecting me and taking care of me. Thank you for making me feel loved in the formative years when my life as a child was so unsteady. Thank you for being who you were which was cool and wild and adventurous at heart. Thank you for tickling my back those hot summer nights as a little girl. Thank you for taking me EVERYWHERE with you, including auto shops, motorcycle shops, back woods cafes and letting me stop at every gumball and candy machine on the way out. Thank you for the moments of falling asleep with my head in your lap on long drives and sitting on your lap while watching TV clear up until I was in 7th grade. Thank you for loving the girls the way you did. They have so many fond memories. You made the ordinary, extraordinary. Thank you for letting me know you had my back if I EVER needed you. Thank you for being the one true constant in my life since the day I was born. Thank you for taking care of me when you could have been off having fun, living your life. Thank for taking me in for good when I was in 6th grade. Thank you for allowing me to run into bed with you and grams in the middle of the night because I was scared, and it was often. Thank you for coming to my house at 3 in the morn if I got scared to look for the boogieman. Thank you for just ALWAYS being there when I needed you. That is so rare these days."
-I would have told you "I love you" and that it was my privilege to care for you when you could no longer care for yourself.
-I then would have kissed your forehead and stroked your head for the last time and you would have closed your eyes and took your last breath peacefully.
While I had told you all those things above a million times, especially in the last few weeks, the perfectionist would have wanted it just as I stated above.
I am so grateful for all our alone time these last few months. I would not have traded it for any amount of money, job, or relationship in the world and I know you know I mean every word of that.
When I cry it's because:
-I am sad I will never get to talk with you again
-I am sad because of what you went through and how you hated not being able to be active
-I am sad for how certain family members tried control you by telling you what to do instead of asking you what you wanted and this caused you distress instead of peace
-I am sad for how certain family members made you cry with their jabs and snide comments.
-I am sad because I will never have anyone protect me the way you did
-I am sad that Cooper won't get to have the memories me and the girls have
-I am sad I didn't get just a lil more time with you
-I am sad at how much you hated having to rely on others to care for you in the end
-I am sad more people didn't come and hang out with you so that you were NEVER lonely
- my hearts aches
I will forever cling to the memories of:
-the anticipation of coming to the farm from the Quad Cities when I was really little and seeing your smiling face and knowing how spoiled I would be by you
-going on long work trips with you and getting to hang with the boys
-you showing me off at all the little diners we ate at together
-that feeling of really having someone to fall back on when in a pinch, knowing you would never not be there
-that feeling of knowing I could have whatever I wanted if I only asked. But it was enough that I knew and I didn't take advantage of it because you taught me to have charactor and not act like a brat
Have fun in heaven doing "whatever" you want!
Farm Team At Work - The weather had boxed me in so the first hint of sunshine and warmth lured me outside. We had some trimming and burning to do but I also stole some time ...